BOOK REVIEW: "The Devil's Laughter" by William W. Johnstone (1992)

SUMMARY: A tedious mess of a book

The hero of the story is a “Marty Stu,” the male version of the stock Mary Sue over-the-top, perfect heroine.  According to the book:  

Link’s problem – if it could be called a problem –was that he could do anything…and do it extremely well.  He just didn't do anything for very long.  He’d been, among other things, a carpenter, a welder, a mechanic, a game warden, a bush pilot, and he’d spent almost eight years with the CIA.  He was also a very good journalist – which he’d set out to be in the first place. 

He is also a book author, vigilante, and an amateur veterinarian.  Naturally, he is a “handsome man in a rugged sort of way.”  That is quite a character introduction. Despite that laundry list of accomplishments, I found the character to be a thundering bore. He is an extremely smug, unlikable, violent, know-it-all. If he has a motto, it seems to be “shoot first and ask questions never.”

It goes without saying that the town of LaGrange, Louisiana needs Link Donovan’s help to investigate a series of grisly murders.  Like Encyclopedia Brown, the police department can’t possibly function without Link’s assistance.

Review continued after the jump.

REVIEW: Hannibal (NBC) "Entree" - Eddie Izzard as Dr. Gideon (Part 1)

Dr. Gideon returns tonight.  I'm going to re-watch his first episode "Entree".

OPENING SCENE/MEET DR. GIDEON
If you are shocked at the "twist" at the end of this scene, then you are as naive as this guy...

Opening:  ECU on sweaty man lying motionless on the floor.  Pull back to reveal that he is behind bars being watched closely by 5 people (3 officers, 2 orderlies). No one is rushing in to save him.  "This is your final opportunity to comply. On your feet, Dr. Gideon, or we will restrain you." After checking his pulse, they order a gurney.

CUT TO: Dr. Gideon on a stretcher in an empty, darkened infirmary where a solitary nurse is hooking him up to a heart monitor.  Where are the five people who were watching him a moment ago?  They were so suspicious of Dr. Gideon lying motionless his cell, why aren't they suspicious now?

You won't believe what happens next...

Click on "Read More" to continue...

REVIEW: Hannibal (NBC) "Roti" - Dr. Gideon - Part II

When Eddie Izzard, a very smart British stand-up comic, first showed up as Dr. Gideon in “Entrée”, I had high hopes. He has the intelligence, presence, and acting ability to create a memorable villain. When we see Dr. Gideon this week, he is threatening to sue Dr. Chilton for making him think he is the Chesapeake Ripper. I thought we would get some genuine excitement from Dr. Gideon, not a frivolous lawsuit.  

Even if Dr. Chilton planted the idea in Dr. Gideon’s brain, Dr. Chilton’s thumbs didn't gouge out a nurse’s eyes, kill her, and mutilate her dead body by impaling it with everything that was not nailed down in the infirmary. For some reason, this preposterous lawsuit is being heard by a judge (give me a break) and a handcuffed Dr. Gideon gets out of his cell again to be transported to court.

Also, does anyone remember what happened the last time Dr. Gideon was in handcuffs? (Hint:  It involves eye gouging, murder, and mutilation in an infirmary.)

There is no way that a person could break out of handcuffs twice.

You won't believe what happens next...

REVIEW: Hannibal (NBC) "Buffet Froid" or Hannibal Flintstone

Seriously.  When is the last time you saw someone eat a piece of meat this big outside of "The Flintstones" cartoon?

Tonight's menu:  Giant Leg

REVEW: 

For the first time in the series, I could identify with Will Graham.  He kept checking his watch, I kept checking my watch. He feels like he is losing time, I feel like I am losing time. Most of the scenes just drag on and on.  Will seems to have the same few conversations with the same few people (Hannibal, Jack Crawford, annoying Asian CSI lady). Blah, blah, blah.

I know a lot of people already love this show but I am not one of them. This week's opening was a generic "girl alone in a big house gets murdered" situation.  There is nothing new or fresh about this scene.  

After a lackluster first half, there is this amazing scene.  Will goes back to re-examine the crime scene late at night.  He slowly searches the crime scene with his flashlight. He shines the flashlight...

on the dresser...

on the bedside table...and

...under the bed

Heart attack. The murderer is crouched silently under the bed like a praying mantis. Once she sees Will, she skitters backwards under the bed.  The bed flips over and she runs past Will.   As she runs by, he grabs her arm and a hunk of dead skin pulls away from her rotting flesh.

A few questions...

#1:  The murderer, Georgia, has a medical condition that makes her unable to recognize faces. People look like they are wearing masks. That doesn't give her carte blanche to go around hacking up people's faces. You can't go around stabbing everything you can't recognize. I don't understand string theory or PBS's "The McLaughlin Group" but you don't see me stabbing them in the face.

There is a character on Season 4 of "Arrested Development" with a similar condition.  Lindsay's new boyfriend has face blindness. Somehow he is able to muddle through life without hiding under beds and running amok with a scalpel.

#2:  Who needs million dollar MRI machines, if Hannibal can smell encephalitis?  I am sure many members of the medical community could overlook his little cannibal "quirk" if he would lend them his nose. Win-Win?

REVIEW: "Cloud Atlas"

Even though I am a college graduate, it took me about me about 9 hours last night to post three items on the Google Shopping Marketplace.

To make matters worse, I rented "Cloud Atlas" but I had to turn it off. The combination of creating a data feed in the correct format and renting "Cloud Atlas" was lethal.

The book has amazing reviews so I was excited to see the movie.After the first hour, I had to turn it off.  I could not even begin to figure out what was happening.  All I know is that the story jumped back and forth in time and space with the same few actors wearing extreme costumes and special effects makeup. 

Tom Hanks

This is what I did get out of it:

One of Tom Hank's characters was this guy (right).  All I could think of is how he looked like a combination of Jermaine from "The Flight of the Conchords" and latter day George Michael.

The other thing is the babyish language of the future.  It seemed to be based on Lily Tomlin's overgrown child character, Edith Ann.  One of the most used phrases is "true-true" as a substitute for "truth". How did language become less sophisticated in the future?  

If you want to experience "Cloud Atlas" without seeing the movie, plant yourself in front of a TV for three hours and put a weight on the remote control so it continually cycles through all of the channels.

REVIEW: Hannibal (NBC) "Trou Normand"

Damn it!  I got sucked into NBC's Hannibal again.  After the flesh angels and human cello, I did not want to watch any more episodes.  Don't get me wrong.  I love the actor who is playing Hannibal and I enjoy horror movies but the show is too gory for me.

If I do watch it, most of my time is spent wondering about the small details.

This week featured a totem pole composed (or decomposed) of dead bodies.  When the crime was recreated, there were shots of the killer/artist using twine to tie the bodies together.  The logistics of using twine makes sense on a one pound rump roast but is it sturdy enough to bind 30 dead human bodies to a pole? I highly doubt it.

"Nothing to see here, folks.  Move along.  
No, it is not a totem pole made from dead bodies."

There are elaborate corpse mutilations each week.  You would think that one of the culprits would get sick with some rare disease.  It does not seem sanitary to defile corpses (or, in one case, comatose people) and spend a great deal of time creating performance art out of them.  Something's gotta give.

On a show like House M.D., a patient can contract a near fatal illness just from drinking the quinine in tonic water.  On Hannibal, the main character maintains a steady diet of human flesh and never gets sick. It is true that he is picky about what human flesh he will accept for a meal.  He thoughtfully returned a liver to a corpse because it had liver cancer and was inedible. How was he able to diagnose his meat before preparing it? Could he just eyeball the cancer or did he run tests? 

Why doesn't Hannibal get some disease from toting a cancerous human liver back and forth like he's returning a sweater to The Gap? I can't stand it.

Once again, sorry I watched this show.  Thanks for the nightmares, NBC.

REVIEW: BEHIND THE CANDELABRA Starring Bugs Bunny as Liberace ("I Wish My Brother George Was Here")

Who the hell wants to see a Liberace movie?  Is there an audience for that?  I am having flashbacks to 1988 when there were inexplicably two Liberace made-for-tv movies competing with each other.  Surely, those two movies are more than enough for a lifetime.

There is some major star power in this movie.  Steven Soderbergh directed it and it stars Michael Douglas and Matt Damon.  It was made to play in theaters but it was deemed, and this was after the success of Brokeback Mountain, too gay.

                                                                                        Give the guy his dignity!  

I am not denying that Liberace was an excellent piano player and showman extraordinaire but enough is enough. Let the guy rest in peace. 

Which defunct celebrity will get the movie treatment next?  Charo, Jaye P. Morgan, Rip Taylor (the guy who throws confetti over himself), the Kooky Lend Me Your Comb Guy, the San Diego Chicken?

This is the only Liberace movie you ever need to see (below):

Bugs Bunny as Liberace

UPDATE:  Started watching "Under the Candelabra" and only made it to the 29 minute mark.  After a passionate (and extremely sweaty) lovemaking session in bed, Matt Damon's character asked Liberace "How do you stay hard for so long?"  BLECH!!!

Liberace's fan base consists of little old ladies who no not want to believe that he was gay. If one of them has a heart attack from watching this film, the blood is on your hands, HBO.

8 Unaired Episodes of "Don't Trust the B-- in Apt 23" on HuluPlus

Hooray! Hulu Plus is playing the 8 unaired episodes of "Don't Trust the B--- in Apartment 23". Where's my credit card?

I can count the shows I have ever enjoyed on ABC on one hand.  First, "Bosom Buddies" with Tom Hanks.  I remember crying when a Presidential State of the Union Address bumped the show off the air for one night.  (Priorities, people!)  Two, "My So-Called Life" one of the best teen dramas ever + Jordan Catalano.

UPDATE:  Paid the $7.99 and put the shows in the queue.  There is immediately an ad.  The show starts... and it's Charo in heaven playing flamenco guitar. You used to be able to see this hogwash for FREE on the Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon and ABC's "The Love Boat" (two shows I could not turn off fast enough).  According to the internet, Charo was on "The Love Boat" 8 times.  "Don't Trust the B" is an ABC show.  Is it possible that she really cuchi cuchi-ed some bigwig at ABC in the 1970s?

Having Charo be someone's hero/role model is not believable, especially in this day and age.  It is like saying the one book you would choose to be stranded on a desert island with is a free charity newsie or a Bazooka Joe bubble gum wrapper.  Anyone with any sort of sense would choose almost anything else.  

Flesh Angels & Human Cellos! NBC's "Hannibal" is Too Gross For The Rusty Walrus

Who knew that one of the big three networks would make a prime-time show that is too gross (for me) to watch?

I knew that watching NBC's "Hannibal" would entail cannibalism.  Fine. I did not sign up for flesh angels (don't ask) and a human cello (really, don't ask).

I loved Jonathan Demme's "Silence of the Lambs" but watching each subsequent spin-off has resulted in disappointment.   Anthony Hopkins created one of the most charismatic movie monsters of all time.  Hopkins is chewing the scenery in the movie (when he is not chewing flesh).

This is the sort of cannibal show that is more my speed: